This was written under a year ago. To think of how much change and growth that has occurred is overwhelming.
This stress causes pain and a certain being of understanding. Through pain comes renewal and through that renewal, I find strength. What does this strength succumb to? At what point do we let down the walls that guard our very being? I have felt pain, I have felt denial, I have felt betrayal, and I have felt heartache. For what? Why is it that we even have to experience these things? At the moment of hopelessness, all that I can feel is loneliness and pain; an indescribable pain beyond reasoning. Life has taught me nothing but death, destruction, and despair. So why is it that I even get up each morning to face yet another cadaverous sunrise? I left everything that I believed in behind only to feel alone. The aching of something new and beautiful gnashes at my very being. I succumb to the dread, look my demons in the eyes, and lay bare my chest, screaming to do their best to destroy me. Through this mad world, I pace the streets of darkness looking for a light, looking for a purpose. In the distance I find a glimmer; a hope of peace within myself. Do I choose to dwell in this dreary, cold darkness, or do I choose to throw all of myself towards something that may be nothing more than a mirage? Will everything I know be gone if I do not wake up from this grieving? How much longer will I have to bleed from these burdens before I come to my senses? My bruised heart bleeds blue and red with desire; desire for a fire to warm my soul. I look around and see despair covering the earth and know that I am not alone. Through these trials, I finally see that I can never truly appreciate the good in my life without them. Though they may seem extreme and overwhelming at the time, each and every time I find myself at the other end of it and living to tell of my hardships. That doesn’t mean I am happy as I pass beyond because the pain never leaves. I will carry hurt for the rest of my life but I am stronger because of that.